Posted by: Lisa | December 8, 2010

Identifying Holiday Cards

It’s that time of year again…a time when we practice the centuries-old tradition of sending our best holiday wishes to our dear friends.  This is when we buy the sappiest cards Hallmark makes, force our families to wear festive holiday sweaters & pretend to be merry as they pose for the perfect Christmas card photo, & then stand around the coffee pot at work a week later, passing around the cheesiest cards we received while laughing so hard tears roll down our faces.  To help you win your office competition for worst card of the year, I’ve listed the 6 most common card types, so you’ll know what to look for.

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, & Joyous Occasions to you all!!

This is the stereotypical classic Christmas letter.  It is a phenomenal list of all the incredible things the perfect family has done this year.  It could almost pass as an attempt to compete for a spot on The Apprentice.Well, Bill got a job promotion, which doubled his salary & halved his workload.  I spend my time volunteering at The Country Club & getting manicures poolside.  We had to build a new house because our old one wasn’t big enough for all the trophies & blue ribbons our talented children won.  Little Johnny is training for the Olympics in four different sports (he’s the youngest person to ever qualify!) & simultaneously working on his campaign speech for when he runs for Senator.  Little Susie just can’t decide between going to Harvard or Yale.  She got full scholarships to both.  Hopefully after she finishes the 2nd grade we’ll be able to make a decision.  Oh, and our dog cooks dinner for us each night so we come home from work to a hot meal.” These letters can make Satan’s stepmother seem angelic & make you feel that your own family is utterly dysfunctional…that is, if you can even read to the end without sticking your finger down your throat.

This is the opposite of The Resume.  This family has been through the most tragic situations of anyone – even more tragic than orphaned war refugees in Africa.  In the past year the husband has lost his job, the wife was diagnosed with cancer, they have divorced, their parents have all died horrible deaths, their house burned to the ground, their teenage daughter got pregnant & ran away, their 8-year-old son has a learning disability & has been expelled for fighting, & their pet pit bull attacked some kid & got captured by animal control.  Reading this letter can turn Pollyanna suicidal.  It ends, “We hope your Christmas is more merry than ours is.

Each year you get a photo of the year’s finalist for World’s Ugliest Baby.  It’s an 8×10 sized print.  You open the envelope & get a flashback to Halloween. <shudders>  The good news is that with a few therapy sessions you should be able to sleep again.

(Note: If your baby was a finalist in the contest mentioned above, you may want to consider sending this type of card.)
The only reason these people send cards at all must be to support the United States Postal Service with their postage stamp purchase.  Sometimes these cards are actually Valentine’s Day or Father’s Day cards.  It appears that the person took 0.406 seconds to scribble their first initial at the bottom before sealing the envelope.  After the initial excitement of receiving a card in the mail, this Christmas greeting (or lack thereof) just leaves you wondering why they even bothered & if it was worth the time it took to open the envelope.  This card bypasses the cute little Christmas card basket on your hearth & goes straight into the trash can faster than you can say “Noel.”

These are The Yellow Pages disguised as a cheesy holiday greeting.  “Before you go over the river & through the woods, be sure to stop by So-and-So’s Autobody Shop for an oil change & tire rotation.” or maybe you receive: “At this special time of year the staff at Such-and-Such Dentistry wishes you a season of healthy white smiles.  Please call our office soon to schedule your next cleaning.  Tell them you’ve had too many candy canes & receive a 10% discount.”

This is either a non-existent card or it comes in the form of an e-card, which wouldn’t be complete without a video of a dancing elf with their dog’s face.  Reasons for these types of cards range from a desire to save greenbacks to a commitment to simply being green.  So the question here is, should the sender be commended for being smart or spited for being cheap or lazy?

Please support humor in America – send your own Christmas cards so we can all get a good laugh at your expense.  Thank you and Merry Christmas.


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